Most advice on this starts with technique. This one starts with the conversation, then walks through what to actually do on a penis and on a vulva, the mistakes that ruin it, and the health side.
Talk first
Before anything happens, say what you both want to try and what is off the table, and take a “no” as a full answer. Australia’s Better Health Channel notes that oral sex can strain a relationship when one partner is uncomfortable, anxious about performance, or feels judged or controlled, so the conversation is part of the job and not a formality. Ask what your partner likes, and keep asking while it is happening.
Get ready and get comfortable
Wash the genital area with soap and water beforehand, and trim your nails and clean your hands if fingers will be involved. Pick a position you can hold. For a penis, your partner can stand, or sit on the edge of the bed or a chair, while you kneel, or you can lie side by side. For a vulva, they can lie back with a pillow under their hips, or sit at the edge of the bed while you kneel in front. Facesitting and 69 also work, but facesitting means you have to leave yourself room to breathe. Relax your jaw and neck, because tension in either makes it tiring quickly.
Build up first
Do not go straight to the main event. Kiss, touch and caress the neck, ears, stomach and inner thighs first. Healthline’s guide on cunnilingus suggests taking about three times longer to get there than you think you need. For a vulva, you can also tease through underwear before taking it off, once your partner says yes.
How to go down on a penis
- Start slow. Kiss and lick along the shaft, using your whole tongue in long strokes up and down.
- Use the tip of your tongue on the most sensitive spots. Flick the frenulum, the small band of skin under the head, and swirl around the head.
- If your partner is uncircumcised, let the foreskin slide with your hand, then gently pull it down to expose the head.
- Hold the base with one hand, take part of the shaft into your mouth and move up and down with light suction. Start with light pressure and build the pace slowly.
- Use your hand together with your mouth. A hand can stroke the shaft, controls how deep you go, and keeps things going when your jaw needs a rest. Your other hand can cup or gently massage the testicles.
- Keep your lips over your teeth, and keep your tongue and lips in contact so your teeth stay out of the way.
- You do not have to go deep. If you gag, ease back. Resting the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth helps.
- When your partner gets close, keep doing the same thing at the same rhythm.
How to go down on a vulva
- Tease first. Kiss and lick the inner thighs and the outer lips before you touch the clitoris. Going straight to it is one of the most common mistakes.
- Find the clitoris, where the inner lips meet. Tracing the outer lips up toward the belly button leads you there. What you can see is only the tip of a larger structure inside the body. You can spread the lips with your fingers for a better view. Not everyone likes direct touch at first, so you may need to start near it and not on it.
- Start with a soft, flat tongue and broad, gentle pressure. Use long, soft licks and not quick pecks.
- Try a few movements and watch what gets a response: up and down, side to side, slow circles, pulsing in one spot, or closing your lips around the clitoris with light suction. Avoid writing the alphabet with your tongue, because most people need steady, repeated touch.
- Use your hands. They can spread the lips, hold the hips, or tease the thighs. Only put your tongue or fingers inside the vagina if your partner asks for it, and keep the tongue gentle.
- Do not stay on the clitoris nonstop from the start, because it can go numb. Build up, back off for a moment, then build again.
- As your partner gets close, keep doing what you are doing, at the same pace and pressure. Changing technique at the last moment can irritate and not arouse.
- Be patient. It can take 20 minutes or more, so use a position you can hold, such as kneeling on a pillow, and take a break and come back if you need to.
Pay attention and ask
Watch how your partner responds, because breathing and movement tell you more than any guide can. Moving toward you usually means it feels good, while pulling away or clenching the legs usually means ease off. Ask simple questions like “does this feel good?” or “do you want more?”, and do more of what works. Healthline says every body is different, so you may need to try a few things to find out what works.
Mistakes to avoid
Rushing to the clitoris or to the finish. Starting too rough or too fast. Using teeth without asking. Switching techniques too often, especially near climax. Ignoring signals when your partner tenses up or pulls away. Treating it like a competition.
Know your limits
Never push past what you are comfortable with. If you gag, ease back. Whether you swallow is your decision, and your partner should respect it either way. Healthline lists spitting into a cloth or switching to a hand near the end as options, and says to talk about it beforehand.
Know the infection risks
Oral sex can pass on infections. Better Health lists herpes, gonorrhoea, chlamydia, syphilis, HPV, mpox and hepatitis, among others, and Healthline notes that not all STIs cause symptoms. HIV is usually a risk only when blood or open sores are involved, and Medical News Today calls the risk from oral sex “extremely low”. Skip it if either of you has sores, cuts, warts, a rash or a throat infection. Pregnancy is not a risk of oral sex.
Use protection
A condom lowers the risk on a penis, and flavoured condoms exist. A dental dam does the same on a vulva or anus, and if you do not have one, you can cut open a condom or a latex glove to make a barrier. Check the expiry date and use a water-based lube so it does not tear. Condoms do not protect against mpox.
HPV and the throat
HPV can cause cancers at the back of the throat. A 2017 Johns Hopkins study of US adults found that HPV causes about 70% of these cancers, but the overall risk is low. Oral HPV infection was found in just over 1% of women and about 6% of men, rising to 14.4% of men with 10 or more lifetime oral sex partners. Smoking made it more likely among men with five or more partners. The HPV vaccine helps prevent new infections but does not clear existing ones.
Get tested
Get tested when you start a new relationship or have sex with someone new, and ask all your partners to do the same. Better Health advises regular testing and avoiding sex while you have an STI until a doctor says you are no longer infectious.
Sources: Healthline, Healthline on cunnilingus, Healthline on oral sex, Sex with Emily, Mystery Vibe, Better Health Channel, Medical News Today, Johns Hopkins study via News-Medical.
