What does it mean to live in a country that relentlessly denies your existence? We spoke to five queer Nigerians about identity, coming out, sex, love, and the quiet (and not-so-quiet) moments that shape their lives. Here’s what they told us—raw, reflective, and sometimes hilarious.
Meet the respondents
When did you first realize you were queer? Did you try to fight it?
Timi: “I thought something was wrong with me… like, my fellow man I want to do things that a man and woman do together?”
Dara: “I figured out I was queer way back in primary school when a girl kissed me at church camp. Lightbulb moment.”
Kam: “I realized when I was 9… I loved the way it made me feel. After I started indulging, I didn’t bother fighting it.”
Zino: “From birth. Yes, but I had to accept me as being me.”
Jay: “I was a little boy who hated being called ‘boy.’ I prayed, I cried, I begged God to make me ‘normal’… but the truth kept whispering, ‘You’re a girl. You’ve always been.”
What was coming out like for you?
Kam: “I never really came out because I wanted to. I was always kinda ‘forced to.’”
Dara: “I didn’t really try to hide it from family… I talk about liking girls with my friends so they just normalized it.”
Zino: “I came out as trans and got lots of backlash from family members.”
Jay: “Coming out in Nigeria as a trans woman is like saying, ‘Hey, I’d like to be a walking target now.’” “It was shame and shouting, and threats. But for me, it was freedom. Scary freedom.”
What kind of person were you most drawn to at the time?
Zino: “Masc but soft.”
Dara: “I’m attracted to soft and mysterious girls.”
Kam: “Fems (feminine girls), once you can match my energy and got sense, everywhere good ifatizzy.”
Jay: “Masculine guys who smelled good, had deep voices, and treated me like I was delicate but still fierce… but some of those same guys would secretly want me but publicly deny me so i started falling for people who saw me.”
Let’s talk about your first gay sex. Awkward, magical, or both?
Jay: “Both. Very much both. It wasn’t just ‘gay sex’. it was my first time as a woman being touched like one.” “It felt like me. Not like a performance.”
Kam: “I just wanted to see what it was about… once we tried it, I hated it. No connection.”
Dara: “It was good. Magical in the sense that I was so fascinated with how beautiful the female body looked.”
Timi: “Oh my goodness, it was impromptu. I didn’t even know what I was doing at first. I let him lead even though I initiated it.”
Did you know what you were doing… or were you just winging it?
Jay: “Winging it o! With full confidence 😭. I just followed my feelings and prayed I didn’t flop.” “Turns out, the body knows what it wants even if the world tells you that body shouldn’t exist.”
Kam: “I be watching porn shiiis… but even though you watch something, you gotta actually do it before you know if you’re good or nahh.”
Dara: “I didn’t know what i was doing… but we figured it out as we went on. Trial and error, baby.”
Did you Google “how to do gay sex” beforehand?
Jay: “Yes 😭😭 Tabs were endless. Even searched ‘what to say if you cry during sex’ because I was that anxious. I also searched ‘sex tips for trans women,’ ‘how to feel sexy with a body you hate’… everything.”
Timi: “I didn’t read about it, just watched BL dramas.”
Zino: “I did do research when I started engaging in sexual activities.”
Dara: “Lol no… okay maybe the night before, so yes?”
Kam: “Nahh, I ain’t google shii. I been known about gay sex since I was a youngin.”
What do you wish more Nigerians understood about being queer?
Zino: “That it’s natural. And that there are different gender identities and they should be respected.”
Jay: “Being trans is not a mental illness or western agenda. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to suffer.” “We’re not trying to deceive anyone, we’re trying to live as our true selves.”
Kam: “I PERSONALLY DON’T GIVE TWO F*CKING SHITS ABT NOBODY’S OPINION. But the consequences are real.”
Dara: “So what if I see a cute girl and the first thought is to eat her ass out sniper position 😂 I’d still love and care for her.”
