The Alphabet Mafia is a weekly series dedicated to the queers of Africa, coming out every Sunday. The series intends to show that the lives of queer people are just as complex as everyone else’s. Or just as basic.
What is your sexuality?
Lesbian
How old are you?
18
What are your pronouns?
She/her
Can you tell me your earliest memory of being a lesbian?
Hm. I had sex with a girl when I was 7. She was almost my age but younger.
Interesting. How old was she?
Probably 5.
Go on…
We tribbed that day and we continued to do it after school… for like a week. Don’t blame us. Around that time, I was getting sexually abused so it made me hypersexual. We would do it during playtime. We would play mummy and daddy except she was mummy and I was mummy too.
I am sorry about the abuse. What made you and the girl stop?
During the children’s service one Sunday, the teacher said lesbianism was a sin. So, I stopped what I was doing with the girl and spent the most part of my life asking god for forgiveness. I kept praying the gay away. My parents never knew any of this though.
What was praying away the gay like?
It was years of self-appointed prayer and fasting sessions. I erased my entire identity in the process. I immersed myself in what people call the word of God. I listened to preachers with a smile on my face and contempt in my heart. I was a scripture union girl throughout secondary school until I finished my first year in university.
When did you stop praying away the gay?
I met her and she encouraged me to take off the mask. We never talked about my sexuality but with time, I found that I had accepted myself.
Tell me about her.
She was my best friend and we were in love. We had been bestfriends for three years. We had so much love between us that it became toxic. We did EVERYTHING together. We even displayed affection for each other in public. Sometimes when we were out, she would put her head on my lap while I stroked her hair. We had intimate moments like that but we never tried anything sexual. Just cuddling and stuff. We had boyfriends while we were together but I didn’t take it well when she fell in love with a guy she really wanted to be with and started prioritizing him over me. It was very toxic for both of us.
When you say toxic, what do you mean?
It’s complicated. We had too many issues. We were hurting each other.
How did it end?
It was really painful. We had issues. I was jealous of her boyfriend. Communication between us dwindled because she had to be with him and all. I was really in love with her but she got tired and started ghosting me, until she eventually blocked me. I was devastated but I held on. One day, I was worried sick because she didn’t reply to my messages or pick my calls. I couldn’t even eat. I was on my way to find her at her place when she called me. I told her I had been worried and she said she was fine. After the call, I got back to my room and broke down behind the door muttering ‘she knows how to call. She just didn’t want to talk to you’ and that was it for me. I stopped messaging her, visiting her and calling her. Three years of friendship ended just like that. She didn’t call me after that, neither did I. We went back to being acquaintances. My family members couldn’t believe it but everyone is happy for the growth. Some people say that we had too much love between us. Even my parents were shocked but one thing was clear to me: I had done enough. It was toxic and I am never going to tolerate such behaviour from anyone or subject anyone’s child to such. I was done with it and I needed to be better. I sought therapy shortly after because of it and for other reasons. That whole relationship was tough but it taught me so much and I GREW. We only do healthy stuff in this house now.
What does toxic behaviour mean to you?
No healthy boundaries. Manipulation and gaslighting. A lack of regard for mental health. Giving and receiving the barest minimum in exchange for companionship. Obsessive or possessive behavior over someone, etc.
What do you wish you knew before that relationship that you know now?
There are so many things I wish I knew.
1.Knowing and loving yourself should come first before starting any kind of relationship with people, be it friendship, romantic, casual or business.
2. Explicitly tell people what you want from them from the beginning. Do you want a friendship? State it. A romantic relationship? Say it.
3. Choose yourself first. Yes, be selfish. Don’t jeopardize your mental health just to keep someone close.
4. Give people space. They can mean the whole world to you but give them some space. Let people breathe away from you.
5. Healthy love is so important. I didn’t grow up in a healthy environment so when our relationship was just starting, my feelings were all over the place. It was just bad. She was as bad to me as I was to her. A good example would be one time we had a fight. I pushed her nose and she pulled my hair, and broke her mirror in anger. We were both crying. Did we break up then? No. I treated her wounds and picked up the shards of glass. We ended up hugging each other amidst sniffles and watching anime together on the bed.
Hmmm. Let’s talk about something light, like your first crush.
Let’s call her A. We became friends when we were 4. We stopped being friends at 7. I really liked her. I liked her so much that I went to the mosque with her even though I was a Christian.
Your first kiss?
Yes, in 2018, with a guy I was dating. It was sloppy and bad. He felt like he did something though but I hated the kiss. I felt like I was kissing a fish. Cold, wet and sloppy.
How deep in the closet are you?
Not that deep to be honest. I am out to all my friends and on my Twitter too. I am out to a cousin as well. I have been hinting at it in front of my family too. Everyone I have come out to has shown me a lot of support. More than 10 people that I relate with personally actually know— I stopped talking to a lot of people even though I’m kind of in the spotlight at school.
How did you learn what you know about love, relationships?
By getting into one. I learnt by experience. My mother has been asking for a husband since I was 15(she has stopped now though). I didn’t know much about relationships but I watched people around me and I started discovering things for myself. I didn’t see love in my parent’s relationship either. What I saw was the patriarchy and gender roles but they claim it’s love. I had to define love for myself, by myself.
If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
I’d change my parents or birth country. I would pick really supportive, understanding parents who have Canadian passports. Lol.
What’s one thing you’ve never done that you’d love to do?
Leave Nigeria. Have Queer sex as an adult.
