Speaking of the Anyhowness of Nigerian Democracy


A Nigerian politician and a snake walk into a bar…

What happens next? Nobody knows because the funds allocated for this broadcast are missing. Therefore, we have to stop at this juncture. Gucci snake, gbe gbe gbe.

And speaking of stops, hindrances, blocks, handicaps, delays, and interferences, Nigeria’s border is still closed. The government’s official reason is that this measure was taken to stop smuggling, as well as improve the economy through a renewed focus on domestic agriculture. This laudable and innovative policy has, in turn, led to more hardship for the citizens of the poverty capital of the world.

Prices of staple food have skyrocketed, farmers in the border region are losing their produce and credit and Chicken Republic does not have chicken. All around the world, in better run systems, border closures have resulted in economic relapse. What therefore was the reason for this decision?

Following the theme of inept officials and general anyhowness, Abike Dabiri, Chairman of the Nigerian Diaspora Commission, recently opened the doors of our great nation to Cardi B. While the action in itself is not wrong (I mean, one more person to come and suffer with us, yay!), it is just irritating that she has time to respond to a meme when there are literally citizens in distress ignored and mistreated by her commission. Nigerians are dying in the UAE and you are out here responding to World War 3 memes.

Nigerians seem to be very interested in the whole WWIII situation. For example, in Abuja a couple of days ago, there were protests against the killing of the Iranian Commander. Shi’ite Muslims took to the capital’s streets; burning the Star-Spangled Banner while chanting “Death to America”.

Yeah, I cannot think of better, closer-to-home things for these people to protest about. It is not like their region is riddled with illiteracy, disease, insurgency, farmer-herdsmen clashes and general backwardness.

This sort of behavior has caused the Inspector General of Police to put his men on “red alert’’ against rumors of unstable elements trying to stir trouble. The Police, The Nigerian Police in case you have not been following, has promised foreigners and locals of their safety in these uncertain times.

This pledge comes amidst growing security concerns like armed robbery, kidnappings, NativeLand and, wait for this, extra-judicial actions/human rights violations by the Nigerian Police. But hey, let us put our faith in their statement of intent. At least they mean well.

And speaking of meaning well and outlandish statements, President Buhari recently admonished Nigerians to stop going abroad for medical treatments. What’s that? Yes, you can take a moment to laugh. In fact, take two moments, take all the moments you want; the occasion calls for it. I will not even expound on this because the absurdity is too much. I am unable to can.

And speaking of absurdity and presidents, it appears that the top two men in the country are fighting. Yes, in his spare time i.e. when he is not traveling abroad for medical treatments or ignoring court orders or generally disrespecting democracy, President Buhari thinks up ways to alienate his Vice President, a man whose job is to support him.

The latest among these delightful punishments is the sacking of 35 vice-presidential aides without consulting or informing him. The real problem here is that despite the fact Nigerians understand the disaster our democracy is slowly becoming with these actions, it is hard to find sympathy for Osibanjo and his humiliating experience at the hands of the General because the man sef no dey help matters.

His silence and inaction at times when the country looked to him for help have not endeared him to the citizens. So now, he wants us to help him fight but we are saying no because he did not help us fight the man who is now fighting him. The situation is so funny because there is only one winner in this battle: THE MAN WHO IS FIGHTING BOTH OF US.

And speaking of fighting, due to recent events, we are now all aware of what is taught at DSS training seminars and conferences. Apparently, men of John Cena’s ilk are employed to teach our DSS operatives’ perfect submission and intimidation techniques.

The video which every one, as seen by now, shows these security officers-turned-wrestlers chasing a judge from the courtroom while pinning Omoyele Sowore with a move Seth Rollins would be proud of.

The only problem is that it seems the wrestlers taught them how to lie as well. And given the obvious falsehood that is pro-wrestling, well, let’s just say it was not a very good choice. According to the DSS’ spokesperson, Peter Afunaya, “Our personnel were never, at any time, involved in the incident…in actual fact, it was his people who seized him’’. God of mercy.

So, balance me here. Sowore’ supporters who were so happy that he had finally been released after the government and the DSS had disobeyed two court orders to that effect seized him? Hm. Maybe their hearts were so full of joy that they had no other way to express it other than to forcefully attack him, pin him to the ground and put his body in danger.

I mean, it is not unheard of, right? The DSS officials most likely tackle themselves with joy whenever an instruction to disobey a court order comes in. Come to think of it, that is probably how you would express happiness if you were trained by a wrestler.

This is not a laughing matter, or maybe it is. We have been given dose after dose of insanity and are slowly becoming numb to it. Jokes and memes have become our saving grace because the alternative is madness. Human beings are now numbers; our soldiers are statistics on the battlefield whose deaths are denied by their superiors; in life, in death, in the afterlife, Nigeria keeps failing them.

Poverty capital of the world, but the National Assembly believes that the best way to spend thirty-seven billion nairas is to give the NASS Complex a facelift so they can be super comfortable as they pass the Social Media Bill and the Hate Speech Bill, so they can become even more comfortable in their rot and filth and corruption.

And speaking of legislators and filth, did you hear that Elisha Abbo won an award? Yeah, the senator who physically assaulted a woman he is supposed to protect and represent is apparently an “icon of democracy’’. The state of our government is disgraceful.

And speaking of government and governors, aren’t our governors getting away with so much nonsense? I mean, Ganduje after collecting bribes on camera was given a “best governor award”, The Cross-River Governor’s focus is on crazy names for his budgets instead of actually doing the work. “Budget of Olympotic Meristemasis”?? What does that even mean? The governor-elect in Bayelsa was given a “Governor of The Year” award and he posted a celebratory video on his social media. HE’S NOT EVEN GOVERNOR YET!! When will it all stop? Will it ever stop? Questions nobody has answers to. We are not even sure we want to know the answers.

And speaking of stops, hindrances, blocks, handicaps, delays, and interferences, I will drop my pen, or keyboard, or whatever, here. I am tired. We all are.

Oluchukwu Nwabuikwu

Area 51 exists and I have proof.

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