‘You have seen us, walk through the front doors of the Church, often late, walking in majestically while the pastor is about to preach with our tight shorts, tattoed wrists. We’ve lurked in the corners of your church after service, girls with short slit skirts and excessive makeup, boys with blooming beards and ripped jeans, with rings on the finger and necklaces. We come once the schools are on break. Then, we don’t come back.’
At its best, religion pushes us to challenge our own thoughts and behaviours. It inspires us to be better and to examine our contribution to the problems of our world. Religion at its worst focuses on excluding, condemning, threatening, judging, and controlling others by shame and guilt.
There is no doubt that a high percent of millennials have no interest in Christianity or any religion and doctrines. Early research shows that 59% of Millenials who were raised in church have dropped out. But what about us? The youths you raised? We’re the ones who attended children church regularly, did the memory verse recital in front of the church, cleaned the church on Saturday’s. We listened to sermons. We cried at youth retreats. With hands lifted high, we professed Jesus Christ as our Lord and saviour and cried, signing our favourite hymn: I need thee, oh I need thee.
People leave church for many reasons. Some have been deeply hurt or offended by other members of the fellowship. Some have been deeply wounded by the actions of leaders or official church policies that affect people they love. Regardless of why people leave, it is what they often experience upon exit that makes them never want to come back.
If you’ve never left the church before, it’s hard to comprehend the experience. For most of us, the church is embedded in who we are. It’s part of our character and our identity. People who leave experience feelings of extreme loneliness, betrayal, and a complete loss of identity.
The people you’ve leaned on and trusted your entire life suddenly start distancing themselves from you, avoiding you, pitying you, judging you, or criticising your character and your choices. Not only are you struggling with a deep, personal spiritual battle that you didn’t choose, it also feels like you’re being punished for it by the people who proclaim to once love you most.
We must not criticise people for sitting back at home, or going to see a movie with their family on the occasional Sunday… or they’ll never come back! We must not guilt trip young adults for the colour shirt they wear to church, or for their facial hair. Instead, we need to express gratitude for their attendance and accept them how they come… or eventually, they’ll leave and never come back.
We must never refer to our young women who dress in a way we perceive as immodest as “pornography.” This is a terrible, shaming behaviour that creates deep emotional wounds that will drive these young women away… and they’ll never come back.
The church should not shame young men for looking at pornography, masturbating, or choosing not to go at all. Adding the weight of judgmental words only drives these young men into depression and isolation. They’ll leave… and never come back.
We must normalize homosexuality as every other sin, and not one that is a curse, which needs a special deliverance session. They’ll leave…. And never come back.
The church and its leaders should not cast judgment on mothers who choose to pursue a career outside the home. When we judge a woman’s capacity as a mother, it makes her feel small and insignificant and like a failure. These women will leave, and they’ll never come back.
We must not chastise that man who does not have a job at the moment or can’t provide for his family. He’ll leave….and never come back.
Can you create a loving space in the church for our brothers and sisters whose faith are different from yours, whether in the church or outside of it? Is there a place in the church for families who only attend services twice a month? Is there a place in the church for that gay member? Is there a space for that sister, who wears the short skirt? Is there a place in the church for a member who swears, or watches R-rated movies? Is there a place in the church for a member who struggles with alcohol, or looks at porn?
What are you doing to create a welcoming space for these people? What might you be doing to push them away… forever?
In the end, it’s like two locals telling a visitor how to get into a building. One tells the visitor he must go through the main gate, while the other says to go through an easier side door. The latter fears the main gate is too far away and too hard to enter. Initially, this local appears to make it easier for the visitor to get in, while the other seems to impose a harsher standard—until you find out there’s no side door. While the easier instruction is well intended, it’s sadly just another way of keeping the visitor out.
The author pays reference to Nate Bagely for his vulnerability and most importantly, his experience in leaving the church.
