#TheAlphabetMafia: How Do You Tell Your Boyfriend That You’re Attracted To Other Women?

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The Alphabet Mafia is a series dedicated to the queers of Africa. The series intends to show that the lives of queer people are just as textured as everyone else’s. Or just as basic. 


Do you remember how your awakening happened?

I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and one day something clicked. I started asking myself serious life questions, which led me to leave the relationship. I started researching sexuality until I discovered myself. I knew I had always found women attractive, didn’t understand why so I just pushed it aside. 

I was in a relationship for over 2 years and from the beginning, he made me feel like he was my saviour—saving me from all my bad life choices. I met him when I was just starting to explore my sexuality. I told him about some of my experiences and he made me feel like the worst person in the world. He even succeeded in making me feel like the time I got abused sexually, I was at fault. Everything actually worked in his favour.  I had just moved to a new state; I didn’t know anyone. The friend I stayed with had to leave after NYSC so I ended up moving into his house. Under all of this, he was a good person and that’s probably why it took me 2 years to realize what was actually going on. In all of my supposed honesty with him, I could never tell him how I felt about women.

After two years, I got invited to Lagos for an interview, this was definitely my awakening. I stayed with my friend. We didn’t do anything fancy or but little things like girls planning a hangout or simply being in a safe space made me realize I was living someone else’s life. I made sure I didn’t rush into any decision.

I took my life apart, analyzing everything and asking serious questions. Around that time, a girl was actively hitting on me which made me feel so good. I made new friends, mostly queer but I didn’t realize then. Eventually, I broke up with him. Since then, I have been on a journey to self-discovery and it’s been fantastic.

What do you wish you knew before that relationship? 

I wish I knew how much of a bad bitch I am. On a more serious note, I wish I had more confidence in myself before that. It wouldn’t have taken me two years to get out of the relationship. 

On a lighter note, do you remember your first crush?

Yes, I do. She’s so beautiful and talented and creative and so sweet. I was in awe. I met her when I was in 100 level. She is the sweetest person I have ever met. I have always been attracted to creatives. We became friends but I never mentioned that I had a crush on her. I felt that she liked me the same way but I couldn’t talk about it because it was so foreign to me. She was the first girl that ever kissed me.

Tell me about that kiss. 

I went to one of these Nigerian Pentecostal universities. We were walking back from dance rehearsals one evening and having a conversation about girls kissing girls. I told her that I had never kissed a girl and she just kissed me. It was great. Sometime in December, we talked about how we both realized we were bisexual and it was a nice conversation.

Ever dated a woman?

Nope. I am really looking forward to my first relationship with a woman. It’s been tough identifying other queers and I don’t know how to approach the subject with women. 

How deep in the closet are you? 

The closet is shattered. I’ve been as verbal about my sexuality as I can be.

Even with your parents?

My parents would totally lose it if I told them about my sexuality. They can’t even handle me changing my hair colour. We don’t have a good relationship so I’ll just leave them in their bubble till they find out. 

What’s one thing you would like to change about your life?

I want to have more queer female friends. 

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