The Alphabet Mafia is a series dedicated to the queers of Africa. The series intends to show that the lives of queer people are just as complex as everyone else’s. Or just as basic.
What is your sexuality?
Bisexual.
How old are you?
28
What are your pronouns?
She/Her
Where is your location?
Lagos
What is your sexuality?
Bisexual but I’d like to say Lesbian because I have no intention of sleeping with a man now or in the future. But I have been with one so I don’t know if that makes me a bisexual or a lesbian.
What would you say was the defining point for you in terms of your sexual orientation?
When I decided to own my sexuality instead of ignoring it.
What prompted this?
I have always liked girls but I was too scared to ever chase my desires. At a point when I was a teenager, I always wished I could ask girls out. But I never did because I felt it was wrong.
I had watched a Nigerian movie where someone was a lesbian. I think Olu Jacobs was the father and the Empress Njamah was the girl. Her parents were really heartbroken. I didn’t know the meaning of lesbianism but I believed it was something that would make my parents sad. I don’t like to make them sad.
I thought only boys can like girls. So I felt like I needed to be a boy to be able to be with a girl. I would wish I was a boy so I could walk up to a girl and follow my heart. I used to dress like a boy. I was asked to stop trying to be like a boy because it was a sin and I needed to appreciate God for creating me as a woman. So I stopped for a while. I would see a beautiful lady and just think to myself, ‘she is so pretty’. But I would move on from the thought because there was nothing I could do about it. People used to say how surprised they were that I didn’t identify as a lesbian or bisexual. I would laugh and say ‘I only do men’ even though I knew that deep down, that wasn’t the truth. I felt like if I said it long enough, my feelings towards women would eventually go away.
I settled for coping with men and being in heterosexual relationships. I decided to take charge of my life after I went through a life-threatening ordeal from my previous relationship. It was an abusive one and I began to feel really ugly and unwanted. Once I left the relationship, I felt freedom. I wanted to live for myself. So I began to follow my heart a little more. I bought posters of beautiful women. I began to admire women more openly. I knew I really wanted to be with a woman. Every time I watch a lesbian scene in a film; I always connected. I became more conscious about my decisions and made sure I did everything I wanted for myself and not out of fear. I realized I would get turned on by girls and pissed off by men. I did attempt having sex with men and I realized I just didn’t want to anymore. At first, I thought, maybe it was because I had a bad relationship with a man. However, I met a woman I liked. We spoke a lot. The first time we kissed, it was different. I knew I wasn’t going to let anything take my happiness. I was ready to be true to myself.
Can you tell me about your last relationship?
I was married to a man. It ended in tears. Literally.
I am so sorry about this. Can you tell me more?
It was crazy. I settled for him. I just really wanted to be with someone. He was abusive; emotionally and eventually, physically. He also used to ask me a lot if I was a lesbian and I would say no. He was homophobic. I realized I began to pick this phobia even though I would always tell him to stop. With him, I didn’t really feel any form of intimacy during sex. It was always all over the place. There were days I felt like I was a sex slave–like I was just there for him to do what he had to do and be done with it. I didn’t feel like my body belonged to me. I felt like my body belonged to a man.
What do you wish you knew before that relationship that you know now?
I wish I had been less afraid. I wish I had put myself first and followed my heart from the beginning. I wish I knew that I could be with a woman and everything would still be fine.
Are you religious?
I don’t subscribe to religion–I subscribe to love. I love God. I believe in Him. I really hope he loves me too now that I have decided to embrace who I truly am. I go to church when I don’t feel condemned. I try not to think about it too much. When I think about what I was taught as a child, I always feel condemned. Now, I am trying to get to know God for myself. I want to let go of all the things that I was taught. Sometimes in church, when topics like queerness come up, I try to block my mind and remind myself that the pastor is only human.
Have you ever been with a woman?
Yes. I have been with a woman and I don’t think I ever want to be with a man again. It remains one of the most beautiful and satisfying experiences I have ever had.
Are you out or in the closet?
Well, in-between. I am definitely not coming out to family or friends. If anyone suspects – good for them.
But you are out to friends?
I am not particularly out to friends. I have a rainbow on some of my social media accounts. For friends who know what that means, I am happy for them. For those who don’t, I am equally happy for them. I have friends who talk about it with me but I know they know because I show up to our hangouts with a Stemme babe. I have never actually come out to my closest friends. One part is worried they would condemn me. God forbid they try to stage an intervention with my family.
If you could change one thing about your life as a queer person, what would it be?
My country. I’d like to be in a country that accepts my choices and sexuality.
What’s an ideal country for you?
My ideal country is one with proper humanitarian principles–where people are free to love whoever they want and be with them openly. It sucks not being able to kiss someone you love in public, not being able to share that love with your family. An ideal country should give its citizens that.
What’s one thing you’ve never done that you would love to do?
I would like to kiss and love on a woman I care about in public and wherever. I hate having to hide anything. I’m obsessed about being in control and being an open book. This is one thing I can’t be open about.
Have you ever experienced homophobia?
Yes. I see it every day. I think I used to be homophobic. I was scared of myself too. I was with a homophobic person and I soon began to share his stupid ideologies. Sometimes, I wonder if his homophobia was rooted in the fact that he is attracted to men. I don’t know.
One misconception about the queer community you would like to debunk?
It’s not a mental illness; neither is it a trend. It’s a way of life.
